Understanding conflict in the workplace

When dealing with conflict, it is important to understand the reasons why relationships get stuck into ‘playing games’ from a Neurlogical and Psychological perspective. It is all to do with our Fight, Flight and Freeze (survival) responses, as in essence we are primitive beings living in a sophisticated society. In our pre-historic environments, treats came in the form of lions and wolves etc. which triggered our survival responses. Today it is often these neurologically-driven responses have that makes us, as human beings, distrust others’ actions and take them to heart.

As we all are driven by our neurological survival responses, it has a major impact on how we communicate and form relationships. Stephen Karpman suggested that, due to the way our brain functions, every person plays a number of roles. Linking my perspective with that of Stephen Karpman, it appears that the fight response in us brings out a ‘persecutor’. In the Culture Continuum model this is presented on the left-hand side as the ‘under-protective parent’/judgemental role. The flight response appears to bring out, what Karpman refers to as the ‘rescuer’. On the Culture Continuum this is represented as the ‘over-protective parent’/putting others first role. The freeze response brings out a ‘victim’, represented as the ‘dependent’/learned helplessness role in the Culture Continuum.

In relationships with others, these roles ‘feed’ each other into a vicious circle of distrust and paranoia, always leading to LOSE-LOSE situations. Example – a teenager lacks confidence to do something (victim), a parent may step in and do it for them (rescuer). The parent may feel overwhelmed and resentful (LOSE) and the teenager never learns and gains confidence (LOSE).

Some more details on Karpman’s Drama Triangle and examples of interactions:
http://coachingsupervisionacademy.com/thought-leadership/the-karpman-drama-triangle/

How to move to WIN-WIN communication and relationships by being more aware of our brain neurological responses:

• The key – make time to REFLECT on your own neurological survival responses. In any given situation, are you in Fight (judgement), Flight (overprotective) or Freeze (dependent) mode?

• Treat others as adults and trust them to make their own decisions and cope with the challenges they face, including mistakes

• When you feel your FIGHT responses kicking in (e.g. being defensive, judging the actions/behaviours of others, feeling frustrated, anger etc), step back, reflect and when ready acknowledge how the other person is feeling and responding (according to their survival response), separate the behaviour from the person and constructively challenge without judgement. Be a constructive, but critical friend and offer some 'tough love' where needed.

• When you feel your FLIGHT responses kicking in (e.g. feeling sorry/pity for others, indulging others in their poor judgements, wanting to step in to take over from others etc), step back, reflect and when ready acknowledge how the other person is feeling and responding (according to their survival response), ask coaching-style questions that help you understand them better and empower the other person to find their own solutions.

• When you feel your FREEZE responses kicking in (e.g. not knowing where to turn, requesting others to step in, pushing others away and help/problem-solve etc), step back, reflect and when ready take control and create a plan of action. PLEASE NOTE - This does not mean you have to be eternally independent. Instead focuss on inter-dependency. It is ok to ask others for their views as long as there is no expectation for being ‘rescued’ and you recognise you are equal in presenting your views. This sets the basis for mutual respect and collaboration with others.

It is important to acknowledge that we are driven by our neurological pathways and that in stressful situations it takes extra effort to challenge yourself into making time to reflect on how you communicate with and respond to others. The reassuring bit is that we are all wired in the same way and all fall into these ‘survival’ patterns.

I personally find it helpful to use Karpman’s Drama Triangle and reflect on the role I play in any interaction to ensure my actions and communications don’t ‘feed the game’.